The Three Vices

“There are really only three vices that a man could have,” he said. “There’re Women, Money, and Drugs. Which one is yours?”

I wished there was a fourth option like Art or Love or Truth, but those don’t really make for good vices. I did what I could with the options. We were headed up Pine, coming from the Marina, by the way.

“Women,” I said.

“Strange. I wouldn’t have guessed that one,” he said. Was this bastard being condescending? “Well. The thing you should know about women is that women love money. Do you do anything else besides drive taxis?”

“I write.”

“Well, you definitely aren’t going to get rich driving cabs. Writing, maybe, but that’s a bit difficult. So, if I had any advice for you it would be this: You know those people that you hate – the kids in high school that had money, the people walking around in the Marina and the Financial District? Embrace them. They’re not very good people, but they’ll make you rich, just by association.”

“And what do you do for a living?” I asked, half curious, half dismissive.

“Ha! I solve problems,” he said.

“Really?”

“Yes. People pay me to solve their problems. I’m feeling charitable. Do you have any problems that need solving?”

“My problems are a little different from other people’s problems. Right now the biggest problem in my life is a problem with the plot of a screenplay I’m doing.”

“What’s it about?” he asked.

“Family issues.”

“That’s boring,” he said. “Nobody wants to watch a movie about that.”

“Well, you don’t know anything about the movie from me saying family issues.”

“What’s your favorite movie?”

“I’ll go with Unforgiven.”

“Great film,” he said. “Awesome movie.”

“Yeah. It is. And it could be described as a movie about a man’s battle with himself.”

“Are we talking about the same movie? Unforgiven is about a showdown.”

“A showdown takes place at the end of the film,” I said, beginning to take the tone of a condescending professor. “Unforgiven is a film about a protagonist, once a hardened gun-fighter, that has been tempered by age and love. In the end, there’s a showdown, but that’s only after Clint Eastwood’s character reverted back to the old gun-slinging bastard he was before – and he only did it out of love. He did it to avenge the death of his friend. He did it out of love.”

I took the silence in the back seat as an indication of my fare thinking it over.

I continued, “So, my screenplay is about family issues as Unforgiven is about a man’s struggle with himself. Unforgiven has a showdown. Mine has the mafia, corrupt politicians, and taxi drivers.”

“Sounds pretty good,” he said.

“Well, it still has problems.”